Quotes calendar

OG Dave

There's two ways to get out of a marriage: divorce and death.  And although the second one might seem more inviting at times, you really want to go with the first.

Lewis Black

"When I was a kid, Thanksgiving was Thanksgiving, and Santa wasn't sticking his ass in it."

--- on why stores should wait until Black Friday to start their Xmas decorations

Gerry Myerson

"He arrived at Macquarie University on the day supernova SN 1987a was detected in the Large Magellanic Cloud, but attributes no significance to this coincidence.  He enjoys folk music, baseball, and writing about himself in the third person."

--- from his "About the author'' section in the American Mathematical Monthly, May 1999

Amy S.

Am I allowed to begrudge others their happiness? Ahead of me at the checkout at Ralph's was this dreadfully cute couple [...]. There needs to be a separate line for moody single people buying sensible foods (and not paying with a check).

Sean Lacombre

Video games today are like totally different. You go into your kid's room and he says, "Hey, Dad!  Check it out: If you press X, you put a knife in the hooker's ass and you get a free life."

And you're like, " That should really be a two button move."

John Oliver

Joe Biden said that Obama would be tested early on in his term, but not even he thought it would be by pirates.  Apparently Barack Obama will be facing not just the challenges of the 21st century, but also of the 18th.  I mean, for god's sake, what's next?  The Vikings?

Anonymous

I haven't learned anything in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia

On what sorts of dirty language should be allowed on broadcast TV: "Bawdy jokes are okay, if they're really good."

Miguel Ventura, owner of Miguel's Pizza at the Red

Some days you have good days.  Some days your back hurts.

Anonymous

There serious blues [collectors] are less than ten.  Country, seven.  Jazz, maybe fifteen.  Most are to one degree or another sociopathic.